Father’s Day is a Heap of Garbage….
What is Father’s Day? Well, I know what it’s NOT! You can’t honor dads who I consider sperm donors when they can barely do the bare minimum and out of respect (really the lack-of) I won’t call them Deadbeat Bastards. The day just brings back bad memories of my childhood. I can remember watching all my friends in my elementary art class make their Father’s Day cards while I would be stuck drawing something I can’t even remember right now (I guess I’m that traumatized). During that time, it wasn’t common for Fathers not to be in their child’s life unlike today where it’s the norm. This Father’s Day, I promised myself to have a better attitude about the holiday so I was going to honor my daughter’s dad but “what had happened was”…..well before I start explaining, you have to know a little about our history.
My daughter’s father and I don’t have the greatest relationship even when we were together. Back in January, I took the first step to try to reconnect our daughter with him. I admit I had changed my phone number because I felt like the fighting between us was too much for my daughter and I. We both acted immature and I believe that we were still angry at each other about our break up. During our relationship, I felt like I could always do better and knew he wasn’t The One for me but once I got pregnant all those feelings were thrown out the window. In addition to the raging hormones during my pregnancy, it intensified my insecurities about being alone and raising my daughter without her father. After she was born in 2000, I adjusted my boot straps and rode on the heels of our tumultuous, undefined, on-and-off-again relationship for another six years. Once we broke up in 2006, I’ve been on a soul searching journey and I now know how it feels to breathe a breath of fresh air…alone.
Now fast-forward to today, when he calls to apologize for not being able to speak to our daughter for her birthday because his phone died. Okay. Really? How am I suppose to react to that statement? Of course, I was an outraged Mama Bear out to protect her cub but what will I accomplish if I lashed out on him. My daughter would still think the world of him. I never did honor him because I always felt like I was trying more to include him in her life than he was. At this point, if you can’t keep your promise to call once a week and be consistent on your child support payments of a whopping $49.50 a week, I can no longer continue to “try.” I’m tired and disappointed…once again. It’s time to Let Go & stop trying to protect my daughter from the hurt and pain that I know she will endure. All I can do is to be the best mother I have been to her and be the role model that she needs in her life. One thing is for sure is that I will not help him look bad by bad-mouthing him in front of her because he is doing an excellent job doing that all by himself.
No matter how I feel about my daughter’s father, I will always know that it’s not about him or me, it’s about our child. Sometimes as moms, we have to let our children fall so that they can pick themselves back up and I know my beautiful bright-eyed daughter will and yours will too!
Okay, now that I have calmed down, I want to apologize to everyone & anyone that I snapped on today because that was not in my character. Before today (and later on), I think Father’s Day is just as important as Mother’s Day (but of course WE should always get better gifts). I vow that one day I will celebrate Father’s Day the right way and will honor Father Figures who have impacted both our lives. I will never have the closure to tell my own father how I felt about him since he passed away five years ago. My daughter doesn’t have to go through what I went through. With the support I get from my family and from his, I know she is loved no matter what he says or does to her. I’m Good!