in my last post, i lashed out against my daughter’s father because i felt like his latest stunt revolving around our daughter’s birthday was unacceptable. like any mother, the moment i sensed he was going to hurt her with another lame excuse i quickly switched into mama bear mode. one person’s (who shall remain nameless) reaction to my rant took me by surprise. he is a father and may have taken the title for my “Father’s Day” post to heart since, in my opinion, he pays an exuberant amount of money in child support while trying to remain an active parent in his child’s life. i respect him for doing whatever it takes to be in his child’s life and for any man who accepts his responsibilities for his children. however, my feelings towards my daughter’s father on that day is a common reaction that many single moms in my position feel on any given day. i didn’t apologize for my feelings because my intentions for my posts are to release a lot of built up anger, hurt, and pain i’ve held onto since i was a child. a lot of hurt and pain many of you have that’s only if you have acknowledged it. i still have a lot of growing to do in order to move forward to becoming a Better person. i write from my personal experiences and my writing partner, Melanie, and I felt that there are far too many single moms who feel abandon by their child’s father leaving them bitter towards him, their child, and themselves.
if my rants, stories, and personal experiences can help one mom then i will not be satisfied. of course the political answer is to say “i would be satisfied if i could help just one mom.” uhh, nope! that’s unacceptable. we want to encourage single moms to be better rather than bitter. like i told that “person,” in order for myself and other single moms to get over the feelings of rejection, we will have to let go of our anger by accepting the truth. we fool everyone around us to believe that everything in our life is okay and that we are strong women. we’ve been there and done that. it wasn’t until we wrote our book, “are you a ‘crazy’ baby mama?” that we realize just how much pain we were carrying. although we were no longer with our children’s fathers, we still felt rejection for our children and ourselves. we had to accept the truth that we ignored the signs they gave us in the beginning that should have told us they were not the men for us. instead, i stayed with my daughter’s father on and off for ten years and melanie stayed with her son’s father for eight. it really sucks to admit that and we will never get that time back which leaves you and i feeling bitter, angry, abandoned, and rejected. no wonder we’re called “crazy” baby mamas when we lash out towards our kid’s father. heck, if protecting my child from being lied to and manipulated then i will be a “crazy” baby mama because i’m “crazy” about her.
so the next person who wants to say why am i so angry, i will tell them that you have to go through the storm before everything is calm. believe it or not, i am in a much better place than i was four years ago. nothing could be worse than living with someone you knew wasn’t right for you and didn’t love you like they claimed and to allow your child to see you unhappy with your life and their father. now, my mindset is a little clearer and like my daughter told me a couple of months ago, “mommy, you are sooooo happy now.” i couldn’t help smiling and feeling proud of myself for being strong to leave a very unhealthy relationship that was poison to my soul. i didn’t leave because i didn’t want to be alone and i figured that being with him was going to be the only way he would stay in our daughter’s life. my rant reminded me of how negative he and i was. there we were arguing about the same things we argued about over ten years ago in the beginning of our relationship. dr. phil was right when he said, “if you want to know what your future will be like with a person all you have to do is to look in the past.” the very next morning i woke up crying…for joy. crying that i’m in a happier place and that i’m no longer with him. it made me realize that there was no excuse to allow him to get me so upset and worked up. my daughter sees my progress and that’s all that matters. i want my daughter to grow up knowing that LOVE DOESN’T HAVE TO HURT.
as i continue with these posts, i promise myself that i will leave all my worries and rants right here on this blog. i no longer have to carry with me the rejection i have felt ever since i was five years old when my father kissed me good-bye as my mother dropped him off at the airport in Miami. leaving me behind only to make an appearance every six years until the last time i saw him when i was eighteen. he has since passed away five years ago and i will never have the opportunity to tell him how hurt i was that he wasn’t the man i needed him to be and there to teach me the right way a man is suppose to love and respect me. i allowed men to do the same thing my father did because i thought that was acceptable but now that i’m older i know it’s NOT. i will never apologize for how i felt because this is my time to let it go. i refuse to carry the pain caused by my father to my final resting place. i hope the same for you dear reader. let’s go on a journey that will set our minds and souls free. it will be a bumpy ride before our road to happiness is smooth. are you ready for a “crazy” ride? i know i am.
Written By: Max-Laine