I noticed that one of my friends’ status update on Facebook said she was seeking closure today. I can remember a time when I sought out people who I felt broke my heart so that I could get the closure I needed too. I spent so much time plotting a way to tell them how I felt. It consumed my mind and days for months sometimes years. The person I wanted closure from the most was my father.
The plan was to get my half-sister to set-up a time for me to speak with him. At that time, the states had deported my father to his native country Haiti for his criminal past. He called her weekly without fail. Then she would call to tell me that he said he loved me. If he really loved me, then I wondered why he never asked her to call me so that he could have told me personally. Of course, that thought never crossed my mind as I wrote a script of what I wanted to say and a rebuttal for every excuse he had as to why he wasn’t in my life. I was on a mission and not thinking straight at all.
The time was set for April 28, 2002 at 2pm to be at my half-sister’s house for when he called. I felt so many emotions that entire week leading up to that day. I cried one night and laughed the next. Each day came with some type of emotion brewing in the pit of my stomach. The night before, I decided to just let things happen naturally instead of focusing on my plans to tell him this and that.
The next day came and went. He never called and I was given some lame excuse as to why he couldn’t call. I don’t remember what the excuse was but I can remember feeling rejected and disappointed. The same feelings I had through out my entire life towards my father. I didn’t stop there either because I wanted closure from my daughter’s father as well.
Once I made the decision to finally accept that our relationship had finally ended (this was after a series of breaking up to getting back together), I wanted to move forward and the only way I knew I could was to get closure. Since I had learned my lesson from the closure incident with my father, I avoided trying to get closure from my daughter’s father for awhile. Our relationship was very volatile and I expected that he wouldn’t understand why I needed to have closure. My prediction was that he would think that he could continue to manipulate me into believing that I needed him and wanted to save our relationship for the millionth time. As time past, I finally broke down and attempted to find a way to get him to understand where I was coming from and most importantly, to listen to me. As I predicted, he ASSumed that I wanted him back. The whole time I was speaking to him I could see his face light up. Considering I was saying some hurtful things about him, he believed that I needed to release my anger towards him so that we could have a healthier relationship. In his mind, I was saying, ‘let me get this sh#% off my chest so that we can make this thing called love work.’ Huh? Noooooooooo!
I know Dear Reader, you’re probably shaking your head like I was but you’d think I would have stopped there. Well? What had happened was……okay, you twisted my arm. I tried to reach out to an old boyfriend, college roommate, my half-sister, I think an ex-co-worker, and half-brother, and a couple of other folks.
Hey, for some people it takes a “couple” of tries before they get the hint. I think it took me several times because I WAS always concerned with making things that were wrong in my life right. I can admit that I sabotaged a few relationships and so many others I should have killed the relationship from the beginning. It’s because of my lack of experience with people and men. Not having my father in my life caused me to seek unhealthy relationships from people who like my father made it clear I wasn’t important in their life. I put these people on pedestals while they filled my heart and mind with a lot of sh%$.
Now I find closure in many other ways. One way is writing for this Blog. The other is through other people who are contributing something positive in my life. See, those people that hurt me or betrayed my trust are not worth going through the trouble to seek closure. Instead, I rather seek closure through my experiences with the new people in my life. For instance, I thought that my daughter’s father didn’t respect me because I didn’t respect myself. I wanted my daughter to learn that when you love and respect yourself then you are teaching men how to treat you. I knew telling her father this was like talking to a dead horse. I allowed him to treat me like dirt sometimes and I always made an excuse for him. Yes I am bitter about that but I rather use the time and energy to heal with a man who will respect me and make up for the time I spent in an unhealthy relationship. Seeking closure would only mean I wanted to continue to nurture the relationship I had with my daughter’s father. He had every right to think I wanted him back because I always went back to him. Sometimes it’s the life experiences that you gain that can give us closure.
Maybe I will find someone that will love me the way I deserve and that will give me the closure I need from being in a verbally abusive relationship for so many years. Instead of hurting me through his words, my next love can heal my heart with his loving words and actions. I understand that this way may not work for all but at least you know there are other ways. I can’t believe that someone who has hurt me can heal me. Maybe it’s possible but I learned long time ago that it won’t happen for me. I am in such a different place in my life that I am very thankful each person who has hurt me, betrayed my trust, stabbed me in the back, disrespected me, and claimed that they loved me or were a friend to me when they really didn’t mean it. I needed them in my life for a reason and a season. They made me a stronger person who now loves and respects herself enough to know that I’m better without them in my life. The person who is strong enough to admit that she is not perfect and will no longer accept negative people in her life whether they are longtime friends or family members. I am the person who can openly share my past experiences, adversities, and valuable lessons learned.
My advice to you is: No matter if you are able to get the closure you need or not, don’t let it consume your life, mind, & spirit like I did for so many years.
Written by: Max-Laine