I Don’t Want to be Mommy, Today

Being a Mom is tough.  I can only speak from a single mom’s perspective so I won’t say it’s harder being a single mom than any other mom (I do feel like it sometimes and never fully understood how it could be difficult in a two-parent household but I know better than to argue about this sensitive subject).

The worst days for me is when I just want to be left alone.  It’s a selfish part of me that just wants to go far, far, far away where I can’t hear the word “Mommy.”  It’s not that I don’t love my daughter because she means the world to me.   I guess I feel this way because I’ve never experienced being by myself with no child.  I’ve always lived with someone and never independently. Now don’t go calling a therapist for me because writing for this Blog is very therapeutic.  I’m sharing my thoughts and emotions with you, Dear Reader.  I’m still trying to figure things out and sometimes you think you’re the only one experiencing certain things only to find out that you’re not.  I’m almost certain that I will find at least one person on this place we call Earth who will share this feeling with me.  Hey, all I need is one mom to agree to justify that I am a sane woman.  LOL

Aside from taking personal time for myself here and there, I just don’t know how it feels to have your child go away for a weekend or an entire summer.  I guess I can see why I had been bitter towards my daughter’s father.  Even when we were together, he never took her out for the entire day instead it was more-like a couple of hours.  I still felt like a single mom when we were in a relationship.  I did mention it a couple of times to him but he always had an excuse.  If she were to leave for an entire weekend, I would probably be cooped up inside the house since I’m used to doing things for and with my daughter.

During the school year it’s non-stop for me from the moment I get up in the morning at 6 until I rest my head on my pillow the following morning at midnight.  When I went back to school for my degree, I had to wake up at 6 a.m. to get ready for my full-time job and as soon my shift ended I would run home for about fifteen minutes to get something to eat before heading to my evening classes.  I went to work and school full-time while caring for my daughter who was a toddler at that time.  I was juggling a full-time job, a toddler, full-time school hours, school projects, and not much of a social life.  I can remember my daughter being admitted into the hospital for pneumonia on the same day my final  group project was due.  My professor seemed upset when I called to tell him this.  I was annoyed by his attitude as if I were one of his younger students telling him that my dog ate my homework so  I politely told him that I’m a Mother before I’m a student.  The project was done and I knew I did a good job on it so what more do you want from me.  I felt like the world was pulling me in every direction and I wanted to cry but there wasn’t enough time in the day to break down.  Every minute counts in a single mom’s day and if crying is not on the schedule then it’s not happening.  Hence, why we’re called “Crazy” Baby Mamas when we do release our emotions.  No we’re not “crazy” it’s just that we have a lot to take in by ourselves and have to bottle up our anger and frustrations.

I wonder if I’m the only one that feels this way or am I the only one to admit it.  It’s like I’m suffering from postpartum ten years later.  There’s so much more I want to accomplish in my life. I don’t want to wait until my daughter is off to college before I can follow my dreams.  I have to find the balance between raising my daughter and having a successful career.  Since I don’t have anything holding me back like a mortgage, car note, or hell a job, why not do something I’ve always wanted to do NOW.  I’m scared, that’s why.  I don’t want my daughter to think I’m putting my dreams before her.  I don’t want her to resent me for not being there for her.  As moms, we sacrifice so much for our children that they won’t understand it until they’re old enough to find out how much we’ve done for them.  I know firsthand that this statement is true because my mom reminds my sister’s and I every chance she gets that she sacrificed a lot for her five girls.  She has to know that we appreciate her efforts but sometimes I think my **mom feels a little lost now that she has retired.  She was so used to putting us first that by the time I was old enough to leave the house she probably felt abandoned by us.

A part of me doesn’t want to feel abandoned by the time my daughter leaves the nest in the next eight years.  On the other hand, I know that I shouldn’t take this moment for granted because I may someday feel like my mother who sometimes is left by herself without hearing from her daughters for weeks and sometimes months.

Until then I will promise myself to find the balance for my daughter and I.  It’ll be a challenge but what else is new when you’re a Mom.

**Note to Self: Call mom

Love Yourself!!

Written By: Max-Laine

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About crazybabymamas

Authors of the book, "Are You A 'Crazy' Baby Mama?" which is a handbook for Single Moms. We are single moms who have RE-defined "Crazy" and celebrate ALL moms. If you're "crazy" about your kids then you're probably a "crazy" baby mama. It's about taking something that's negative and turning it into something positive. No more drama for these "Crazy" Baby Mamas. View all posts by crazybabymamas

2 responses to “I Don’t Want to be Mommy, Today

  • crazybabymamas

    Awww, thank you so much! I was holding on to this post for several weeks before I released it because I was ashamed that I felt this way. I knew that someone in this world would feel this way and even if it was going to be only one mom then that was fine with me…& it’s you Kenisha! LOL

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  • Kenisha

    I just want to Thank you for this article. I too thought I was alone in this feeling and would feel sooo guilty about wanting to just run away. As I type my response thru these tears, It feels good knowing I’m not alone. Keep up the good work.

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