No More Drama…

I’m so over this drama, more like, this “baby daddy” drama.  Once again I’m torn between making my daughter happy and living a drama-free life.  This past week was the final straw for me, AGAIN.  I’ve been down this road before with her father and this time it took a little over 90 days to get me to this point.  I usually call the period when there is no drama between us the “honeymoon period.”  Well, the honeymoon is over!!

As my daughter was speaking to her father on the phone, he straight up lied to her while I was on the phone.  There was no reason to lie but he made that decision to do it knowing I was on the phone.  This is how the drama starts and as her mom I had to decide at that moment whether to confront him or stay quiet.  It’s hard to choose your battles because you’re either fighting for your child or paying back the other person for upsetting you from before and using your child as the pawn to get them back.  No matter how you look at it, it’s a f^%ked up situation when your child’s involved because all they want to do is to see their daddy.

If you ever wonder how The “baby mama” & “baby daddy” Drama game works it goes a little like this: One Player finds a way to piss the other Player off first which usually sparks a never-ending argument.  Before I say what the lie was or what I decided to do, here’s a little back story:

Our daughter’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago.  He called to speak to her to wish her a happy birthday but she was with my mom at the time.  I told him that I was trying to reach her also but no one picked up the phone.  I assured him that once she called I would call him to connect them together.  A few minutes later she called and when I called him back he didn’t answer the phone.  We spoke briefly and I told her once her dad called that I would call her back.  Some time had passed before he called me again but I missed his calls too.  It was still early in the day and since he had missed the past two birthdays I wanted to make sure he spoke to her.  (Sidenote: I changed my phone number because he and I could not stop arguing.  Every time he called my daughter would end up crying because he would tell her something she had no business knowing.  I tried to talk to him, scream at him, and cried because I felt that he was still angry at me so he was taking it out on our daughter.  The Mama Bear in me couldn’t take it anymore considering this had already gone on for two years).  By the time it was six o’clock, his sister texted me to ask if she could wish her a happy birthday.  I connected her with our daughter and after their conversation ended I attempted to call her father again.  No answer.  I waited until eight o’clock to try again with her on the line and still no answer.  At this point, I did more than I was supposed to since our temporary agreement is for him to call once a week so that we can learn to try to work together and he could prove that he has changed.

Sadly, he never called back after the miss calls earlier.  I admit that I felt bad not being able to answer the phone but there wasn’t anything I could do about that.  As a single mom, even when we know it’s not our fault or that there wasn’t any way to prevent some things from happening, we still find a way to blame ourselves.  It wasn’t until the next morning when he called that I no longer felt guilty.  His excuse as to why he didn’t answer the phone when we called AND couldn’t call back was because his phone died.  Not because there was a family emergency; Not because he got into an accident; Not because…you know what, I can’t continue to make excuses for him once again.

His phone died.  Are you serious?  He acted like it was no big deal because he didn’t ask to speak to her nor was it my responsibility to ask him if he was going to apologize to her.  I couldn’t expect for him to make things better because in the past I was always the one who cleaned up his mess and he knew that I would.  To his surprise, I didn’t.  I figured that he expected me too since that was his day to call her and he did not ask to speak to her.  His purpose for that call was to say he could not charge his phone to call his daughter for her birthday.  (Enter sarcasm here) I guess he didn’t know anyone else who had a cell phone either to make the call.

Then, two days later he called to see if he could mail her some things he bought for her birthday.  I didn’t mind that part but three days had past with no mention from him that he was going to call her to apologize for not calling for her birthday.  Was I asking for too much?  It seemed that way when before he was going to hang up I asked him if he was going to call for her birthday.  He got defensive and said that had I answered the phone he would have been able to speak to her (Player makes other player feel guilty).  Well I was over that situation and I was more concerned with Now, Today, that very moment we were speaking…you know three days AFTER her birthday.  HE ended up just giving me excuse after excuse.  I didn’t want to argue I just wanted him to call her to wish his little girl a happy birthday.  Instead, she thought he didn’t call her because he was working.  Sorry, baby, your daddy is not working but that’s not my job to tell her that truth.

It doesn’t have to be this hard.  He is court ordered to pay $49.50 a week for child support and we agreed that he would call once a week.  I know there are so many men out there that wish they could be in his shoes.  If that’s all he has to do then why is there drama.  Most of the time there is drama because someone can’t let it go.  How can I move on when he keeps pulling me back?  If it’s not the daddy starting drama then it’s the mama.  I admit that I did start arguments with him to pay him back for the things he did to me in the past.  I was one of those moms who used their child to get back at their father but I realized that our daughter was the one suffering.

For the millionth time, here we are trying to make things work by working together for our daughter’s sake.   There we were on the phone when asked by our daughter why he didn’t call for her birthday and his response was because your mom didn’t answer the phone.  I was shocked and insulted.  I knew at that point I should have waited until we got off the phone to address the issue and I knew that was what he was thinking I would do.  If I didn’t say anything I would be teaching my daughter that it’s okay for a man who is also her father to lie to her & it’s okay for a man not go out of his way to make her happy on her special day even though he tells her that he loves her.  I can give you so many reasons why I blew up on that phone.  A part of me was fighting for my daughter who I don’t want to experience what I’ve been through with men who came in and out of my life.  The men I allowed to hurt me and ended up leaving me feeling rejected.  I was standing up to the first man I laid in bed with someone I GAVE my virginity to when so many of my friends LOST theirs.

See there’s history and 10 years of a relationship we had between her father and I so I can understand if there is some unresolved issue lingering there.  He says that I’m making it hard for him to be in his daughter’s life so if calling once a week is hard then I don’t know what else to say.  Like I told him, you don’t get benefits on the first day on the job and you’re not going to get them without much effort.

What I do know is that most single moms who are in this position know who we’re dealing with and can predict our child’s fathers every move.  That’s why we find ourselves just giving up or not dealing with their father because we already know the result in any situation involving him.  After ten years, I already knew that I’d be right here again considering to change my number so that I don’t have to deal with this bullsh%# once again.  No need to start trippin’ or thinking that I’m still one those women who play those games because I already decided not to change my number.  I’ve been there, done that.  He does a very good job making himself look bad on his own and he does not need my help from me so I keep my feelings towards him to myself.  I don’t share them with my daughter but I did explain to her that the reason I confronted him on the phone was because I was protecting her.  I assured her that I am not trying to prevent her from being in contact with her father instead I want her father to know that he can’t play those old games because I’m in a different place in my life.  I’m not going to allow him to disrupt the peace I worked hard for over these past three years.  If I don’t stop it now, we’ll end up bringing this drama into my next relationship and I can’t go from one bad relationship to another.  I’m leaving my heart open for The One because I know he is out there for me and he can’t control my destiny (& I can’t allow him to either).

At this point, I don’t see him stepping up until I know once our book comes out he probably will step up because the spotlight will be on him.  You know there are the type of fathers who show up and show out when the cameras are up but when the fanfare is no more they’re nowhere to be found.

He is supposed to call tomorrow and since I confronted him last week it will be interesting to see what trick he has up his sleeves.  This time around I do go in with a little hope that he’ll prove me wrong.  I won’t keep my hopes up but I know our daughter looks forward to his calls no matter if he calls weekly or not.  I just have to hope for the best that she will see him for who he really is and not be influenced by me at all.

I have to believe that I have a beautiful and very intelligent daughter who I am doing my best to raise.  I’m not raising her to become a “Baby Mama” because I want her to be better than me.  Will she?

Love Yourself!

Written by: Max-Laine


About crazybabymamas

Authors of the book, "Are You A 'Crazy' Baby Mama?" which is a handbook for Single Moms. We are single moms who have RE-defined "Crazy" and celebrate ALL moms. If you're "crazy" about your kids then you're probably a "crazy" baby mama. It's about taking something that's negative and turning it into something positive. No more drama for these "Crazy" Baby Mamas. View all posts by crazybabymamas

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