The first time I heard this song, it bought me back to the days I was in love with my daughter’s father. Sadly, all I can remember are the bad days. I know the reason I can’t bear to remember the good days is because of the hurt and pain I endured throughout our on-and-off again 10-year relationship. My mind is at a standstill. I know he couldn’t have been THAT bad if I was with him for that long. Where did the love go? What happened to the good times we had? How did we get to the point we can’t have a decent conversation without arguing?
Part of the memory loss happened when I decided to have a Waiting to Exhale moment a la Bernadine Harris-style (character played by Angela Bassett) when I took my bar-b-que grill & torched every picture we took together & gifts he gave me throughout our entire relationship even when the many times we broke up. I did manage to save two pictures we took with our daughter so that she can have it when she gets older. At least she can see that there’s proof that we did have some good times together. I don’t know what a difference it would have made had I kept everything. I do know it felt damn good at that time dousing it with lighters fluid saying to myself, “Burn baby, burn.”
I’ve never taken the time to really listen to Sade’s music as I should. Of course the title of this song caught my eye. I use to think how a “Crazy” Baby Mama like myself fell so out love with my child’s father to the point where there are days I hate him. I can’t allow this emotion of hatred consume any part of my mind or body anymore. It’s cancerous and I need chemo to get rid of it all. I use to think just a little hate wasn’t all that bad but having a little cancer for anyone is bad.
Part of my journey to heal is to share my experiences with our readers and someday with my daughter. I want to be able to share the good times her father and I had. I’m glad that she can remember some of the good times we shared like her first trip to Disney World. At times, I do talk to her about it so she can know that I’m not bitter. Last year, I took her to one of our favorite restaurants and when I told her we use to love eating there her face just lit up. It was taking a negative experience and turning it into something positive. Now, whenever I pass this restaurant I can remember the good times I had with our daughter. I know somewhere in my heart I can forgive him. In the past, I would have never gone back to that restaurant because I was so angry at him for hurting me. I can’t change the past but I can change my attitude towards him for the future.
So, to all those “Crazy” Baby Mamas out there that are “Crazy” about their child(ren), take a moment to share those good times with your child. You never know how it will make you feel until you try. Dig deep! Go there and come out a champion. Your mind, body, and spirit will thank you later. Love Yourself!
Written by: Max-Laine