It’s been awhile since we last spoke. Yeah, we speak here and there about you calling our daughter weekly but I’m talking about having a discussion about our relationship with each other. When you left us four years ago, June 6, 2006 to be exact, I was very hurt and we’ve never talked about it. I played the blame game for several months and even tried dating someone who reminded me of you. Then, I WOKE UP. I realized that you leaving was the best thing that HAD to happen for me and our daughter.
I can sit here and blast you for every little thing you’ve done to us in this letter but I’ve had four years to get over it. I now know that not everyone is meant to be with their Baby Daddy and I’m number 201,976th Baby Mama who is in that category.
In the next few months you’ll probably see that I am a co-author of a book about my experience as a single mom. I already know that you’re probably thinking I’m out to make you look bad but like I always told you, “you do a great job on your own making yourself look bad and you don’t need my help.”
Besides, it’s not about you or me. I can’t speak for you but it is about our daughter and I’m the one that’s there for her everyday. I’m the one that has to hear her cry when you break the promises you’ve made to her. I’m the one that has to tell her “no” because I can’t afford to take her places like I use to. I’m the one that has to go down to the Department of Family Services for public assistance until I can get back on my feet. I’m the one that helps with homework. I’m the one that has to cancel plans if OUR daughter gets sick so that I can nurse her back to health. I’m the one that had to find us a place to stay when the home we use to share went into foreclosure. Oh yeah, the brand new car you use to hate me driving that was taken too (see RE-Possessed post).
I can go on and on but I have to just let it go. I just want you to know why I act a certain way towards you. All the pressure is on me and when I have lashed out at you in the past it’s because I want the best for our daughter. I don’t want to be friends with you, been there & tried that. I don’t want to get back with you, been there & didn’t like it. I don’t want to take you for all the money you don’t have, never been there & don’t care to ever go there. I don’t want anything from you. However, OUR daughter wants her father to be in her life.
I can’t make you be there but the door is always open even if I know you will hurt our daughter. Some people will think that I’m “crazy” for doing that but I can care less what other people think. I can’t and will never compete over a daughter’s love for her father even when I know how much I cared for my father despite all the things my mother did for me. I always desired to have him in my life until I WOKE UP. I have Faith that our daughter will wake up too on her own.
I no longer care what people think. They’re not the ones helping me raise our daughter. Part of the reason why we’re in this situation is because people were in both our ears and we allowed them to tear us apart. I’ll have you know that those people who were in my ear have been given their walking papers and I stand alone in all my decisions. I have no room for manipulation coming from you or anybody else. Being away from you and not speaking to you for those two years was so peaceful. I’ve worked hard to maintain that Peace and you nor anyone will disrupt my life with unnecessary drama.
I’ve known you for 14 years and I’m tired of wanting things to be better between us when you don’t. If you did then you would have made an attempt (on your own without any help) to see our daughter during the two months she was 45 minutes away from you versus 9 hours. I truly believe that when you love someone you will do whatever it takes to see them. I believe you didn’t even try to do “whatever” and if you did you wouldn’t still blame me today for not making the reunion happen. You are her father. If it means getting cussed out by a few folks just to see her then that is what you’re suppose to do whether you like it or not. As a parent we have to do a lot of things we don’t like but it’s worth it when you love your child. My word of advice to you is to stop making things that are easy into a difficult situation. You’re not hurting me…anymore. I love myself more now than I ever did for that to happen again.
There’s no way I can end this letter because we still have a life together through our daughter. No matter what she will be my focus. With or without you, I will always be there. I don’t have the luxury to only pay the bare minimum of child support and call once a week then complain about it. No more excuses, no more complaints, and no more questions. I’ve put down my weapons of choice: my sharp tongue for saying hurtful things and my finger for pointing at the target who I blamed for my shortcomings. We gotta keep it moving.
Written by: Max-Laine