(94th day, 271 more days to go)

The story of a mother named LaShanda Armstrong who drove her minivan into the river with her four children brought me back to the most darkest place in my life where I almost did the same thing.

Thankfully, there was somewhat good news that came out of this situation that her oldest son was able to escape out of the van before it sank to the bottom of the water.  New details revealed that the father of three of her children constantly berated and cheated on her.  Hours before the incident, they had an argument when he showed up to the home they used to share even though she had a restraining order against him.  What shocked most people is that she updated her Facebook status to ask for forgiveness 30 minutes before she drove her minivan down a boat ramp.

Her actions have stirred up a lot of comments online which some could be considered very racist to sympathetic.  Many people wonder why she would kill her children instead of just taking her own life.

After my daughter was born, I constantly cried for no reason and slept a lot more than her and any newborn baby.  I think one of my sisters asked if I was okay and I quickly told her “yes” then went into the bathroom to cry some more.  I tried to get my daughter father’s attention by trying to spend time with him but he ignored my requests.  He always said that I changed after having our baby.

The change he was referring to was me battling with postpartum depression.  I didn’t realize it until years later that I suffered from it.  Every time I drove my red pick up truck over this little bridge up the street from where I lived I always had the urge to drive it into the river.  I never thought about doing it by myself because my thoughts were to take our daughter with me.  I didn’t want to leave her with anyone especially with her father.  I didn’t want to leave her in a world and with people who caused me a lot of pain and suffering.

When I look back, my life wasn’t that bad.  I was living with my mom and off of unemployment benefits to help with the small amount of bills that I had. However, I was extremely disappointed in having a child with a man I didn’t see no future with.  There were so many opportunities that I missed because I had decided to stay with him despite all the red flags that he just wasn’t The One for me.

I know if I had taken the step to end our lives it definitely would have been pay back to her father.  I wanted him to feel the guilt and pain I felt everyday that I was with him.  I don’t understand why I didn’t do it but I know during that time that all of my thoughts and perception was to the amplified.  The littlest thing seemed bigger than it was and every situation was worst than it really was.  Some people would have called it being over dramatic.

I’ve mentioned before in this Blog that sometimes I feel like I’m still suffering but not to that extreme.  Over the years I’ve learned to deal with my emotions better.  For one the Source of those negative emotions-my daughter’s father-is no longer a part of my day-to-day life.  That makes a HUGE difference.  I wish LaShanda had a chance to get rid of her Source and perhaps her children would have had a chance to live their lives. (I’m not sure who or what her Source was but to be driven to commit suicide with your children had to have come from someone or somewhere so please don’t think that I’m putting the blame on her children’s father.)

I want to encourage You to seek help if you ever feel the urge to do something like this.  It’s not worth it.  I’m proud to see the many accomplishments that my daughter has made.  From taking her first steps a week after her first birthday to becoming my cheerleader throughout this journey of me becoming a writer.

Somehow you too can get through it.  I left those negative thoughts at the river and allowed them to sink to the bottom.  Now You should find the strength to do the same.

Love Yourself!

Written by: Maxx


About crazybabymamas

Authors of the book, "Are You A 'Crazy' Baby Mama?" which is a handbook for Single Moms. We are single moms who have RE-defined "Crazy" and celebrate ALL moms. If you're "crazy" about your kids then you're probably a "crazy" baby mama. It's about taking something that's negative and turning it into something positive. No more drama for these "Crazy" Baby Mamas. View all posts by crazybabymamas

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