(117th day, 248 more days to go) This morning I woke up thinking of how much of my life I waisted in a dead relationship. What prompt this thought was a conversation I had with one of my old male friends. He told me that he considered me one of the “strongest” people he knew. He was shocked when I told him that I knew the relationship wasn’t going to work within the first two years of being with my daughter’s father. During the entire time, I took every precaution NOT to get pregnant. (Well, you see what happened with that.) I had to admit that I wasn’t “strong” enough to leave him.
One of my thoughts was wishing that I could get those 10 years back and give it to The One that will someday appear in my life. Then I remember that I wouldn’t be the person that I am today had I not gone through the relationship with my daughter’s father. It’s sad but I constantly have to remind myself that it was for a reason and a season he was put in my life.
Part of my journey is to write for this Blog everyday for an entire year. If you’re just joining me you will see on every post that I include a countdown of some sort with this post being the 117th post for the 117th day of this year. It all started when WordPress challenged Bloggers like me to write or post something everyday. Even though I fall behind sometimes, I’m committed to have 365 posts by the end of 2011. After that I plan to retire from Blogging. The reason is in order for me to move forward to having a successful drama-free future, I must Let Go of my past…ALL OF IT! I’m almost half way there and I’ve seen a HUGE difference.
I have so many “coulda, woulda, & shoulda” moments but this time I’m committed to changing my life by Letting It Go. I’m determined to be a different person with different thoughts about myself and have a different attitude. I owe it to myself and my daughter.
Although I’m more happy than I was years before, I find that a part of me is still sad. It comes with the territory when you’re a Single Mom because you have a child who reminds you of your past. Whenever I see my daughter’s beautiful smile, I see her father. Whenever she laughs, I hear her father. Whenever she speaks, I hear her father. It’s the painful reminder that I love someone so much that came from him…a man who I passionately couldn’t stand for so many years. Now, I release that hatred on every post!
It’s like exercising everyday no matter if you want to do it or not but you know it’s good for you. So, here I am on the treadmill called Life…Learning to Love Myself again!!
Written by: Maxx